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Communication & Interpersonal Skills

Kind Words at Work: 16 Ways to Communicate with Empathy at Work

The pandemic turned work-life on its head. We’re caught in the tumble load of a never-ending workday, pinballing between Zoom and Slack, duking it out with the family for WiFi, dishes piling up around us in our office … er … kitchen, and just trying to hold it together while we just. take. a. minute. to. remember. what. day. it. is.

It’s a high-stress moment. That stress shows up at work, especially in how we talk to each other. Indeed, more than one-third of us has been on the receiving end of toxic workplace communication since the lockdown started, with almost 20 percent experiencing hostility related to how we’re balancing work and life at the moment.

If there were ever a time for us to pull together and be more empathetic, it’s now. Here’s your checklist for how you can get started in your next email, chat message or video conversation.

Be clear. The most empathetic thing you can do for your colleagues is communicate clearly. Be short, sweet and very clear. Really knock it out of the park with a quick summary at the beginning of every message. Your co-workers will want to hug you (in a socially-distanced way, of course).
Get visual. Get visual in your communication. Write with headers, bullets and tables, or speak in 1-2-3 frameworks. Just like the “you are here” indicators on trail maps, these markers will make your message easier for colleagues to understand.
Lighten up. Co-workers not delivering? Don’t read them the riot act just yet. For all you know, they may have pulled a work all-nighter so they can supervise a child’s Zoom school in the morning. Acknowledge the craziness of the moment and adjust your expectations. Your patience will pay off.
Respect “off hours.” Hold back on sending emails and chats at night and on weekends, especially if you’re in a senior position. It wigs people out. If you can’t help yourself, start with, “Don’t respond until tomorrow.” And I shouldn’t have to say this, but don’t schedule meetings that go past 5pm.
Check in. Show empathy by checking in with colleagues. Whether you’re doing so to assure them the work you promised is on the way, make sure they are feeling OK after a heated debate, or ask if they’re back on track following a set-back, checking in shows you care.
Tell a joke. Defuse tension with humor. Be careful with sarcasm or jokes that don’t translate if you’re part of a global team. Safe (and funny!) topics are terrible puns, movie lines, animal memes, Dad (or Mom!) jokes, and self-deprecation. Nothing brings a team together like an epic Slack thread of escalating puns.
Write inclusively. Check your messages for bias against race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, age, disability and more. Even a “years of experience” requirement in your job description can turn off otherwise great female candidates or candidates of color. Check out our diversity and inclusion glossary.
Mind your words. Be mindful of the words you say and write. Healthy communication is empathetic communication. Avoid passive aggressive, disrespectful or unkind statements. And when you do confront a colleague, use an “I” statement (and, no, “I feel like you’re a big jerk” doesn’t count!).
Absorb the shock. When nastiness comes your way, don’t pass it to the next guy. Meditate, do yoga, go for a run or call a friend if you have to, but absorb the shock so it stops with you. And make sure your messages are positive and full of good karma.
Assume the best. When you’re not face-to-face, it’s easy to misinterpret someone’s tone and even feel attacked. Resist the urge to clap back, and instead assume the person has the best intentions. Respond from the standpoint that you both want the same things and are working toward a common goal.
Pick up the damn phone. If you’re unsure about someone’s written tone, pick up the phone and ask what’s going on. Listen and ask questions. Try to put yourself in their shoes, even if they’re being critical of you. When you’re “live” (either face-to-face or at least voice-to-voice), it’s hard to stay angry.
Figure out the “meta.” When someone questions or challenges you, figure out the “meta”, or what’s behind their resistance. Simply saying, “I hear you that [summary of what they said]. Is your concern that [possible meta-issue]?” can disarm them and get them to share what’s really on their mind.
Say why. Don’t underestimate the importance of saying why. When sharing an idea, asking for help with a project, or answering a question, give the “why” behind it. For example, if you’re recommending the company pursue a new market, hearken to the broader company goal that course of action will achieve.
Give credit. Show empathy by really seeing the work your colleagues do. Use your voice to elevate their contributions. There is a strong tie between gratitude and happiness, so you will not only give them the kudos they deserve, but you’ll make yourself more joyful in the process – a win-win! 🙂
Be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable in service of building empathy. Exposing your own weakness helps to build trust, making others more open to your message and willing to share their own thoughts.
Codify empathy. Don’t just be one-off empathetic. Work with your colleagues to codify it in your company culture. Get on the same page about voice, tone and behavior norms. Then, make them stick by codifying them in your employee guidelines and brand styleguide.

About the author

May Habib is co-founder and CEO of Writer, an AI writing assistant for teams.

Communication & Interpersonal Skills, Long-Distance Leadership, Teamwork & Collaboration

Thinking About Feedback Backwards

Offering feedback to people who aren’t located with you can be complicated. Should you send an email or get on the phone? Do you need to set up a zoom call, or will a quick shout-out on Slack get the job done? And why do they act like you’ve never told them something before when you said it just the other day?

Maybe we need to think backwards when we consider offering feedback remotely. Here’s what I mean.

Merely sending feedback, whether in writing, by voice, or in person, isn’t nearly enough. For feedback (positive or negative) to be useful, it needs to be received and transformed into action.

4 Steps for Useful Feedback

It must be heard (or read). This is the first step—the message needs to be actually received in the brain of the recipient. Whether it’s in writing or verbal, if they cant’ read it, or it’s too noisy, or they don’t read it at all, it isn’t useful. And saying, “Well, I sent it” doesn’t mean much or help fix the problem.
It must be understood. Sending the message isn’t the end of your responsibility—it’s the beginning. If the recipient doesn’t understand the message, it doesn’t matter whether or not you sent it, or if it was timely.
It must be accepted. Of course, if they aren’t willing to listen, or they have a problem with you and are emotionally or psychologically unprepared to take the feedback, the feedback may as well not be offered at all. In fact, your message could actually damage the relationship.
It must be useful and able to be turned into action. Especially in a coaching conversation, the goal of feedback is to turn it into behavior. Keep doing what works or do it better, improve what doesn’t work or never do that again. Unless people are willing to take the final step, you might feel good about delivering the message, but what did it really accomplish?

Now think about who you are delivering the feedback to. Why should they listen to you? How can you ensure the feedback is taken seriously and delivered in a way that preservers or enhances the relationship?

Now reverse the steps

It must be useful and turned into action. Why are you offering the feedback? What precisely do you want to have happen? How much detail will you need to offer or what encouragement will help the other person take the action or change the behavior you’re suggesting?
It must be accepted. Why should the other person listen to you or trust your feedback? Do you have an existing good relationship? Often people think you are offering feedback only because your’e the boss and they have to listen to you “or else.” Try phrasing it so they know it’s coming from a place of expertise; or better yet, let them know you’re doing this for positive reasons and that they can trust you. This has a big impact on how you introduce the subject.
It must be understood. Think about the person you are talking to. We all have our own way of processing information and accepting input. Some people want you to cut right to the chase. Others need to have light conversation first. Many people need hard data and facts, especially if you’re going to be offering corrective suggestions. Plan your evidence and how you’ll present the facts to the other person.
It must be heard. Only now are you ready to actually write, send, or speak your message. Now it’s focused on the end result, planned for the specific person, and phrased in a way that it can be effectively processed. Now, how should you send your message so it’s “heard”? An email might be efficient, but will they read it carefully and understand the nuances? If you call them out of the blue, will their head be able to focus properly on the conversation? Think carefully about how and when you’re going to offer the feedback. Remember it needs to be soon enough to be useful and relevant, but not so soon that the person isn’t able to process it. And how you send a message can be as important as when. A well-intentioned Slack message may not feel as personal as a conversation.

As with so much in life, good feedback should begin with the end in mind. Try planning backwards and see if you get better results.

Giving feedback is a major component of being a great remote teammate. Whether you’re in a leadership role or just “one of the team,” your feedback can be (and should be) a valuable contribution. Check out this great learning program to help you (or your team) grow into a more cohesive unit.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Wayne Turmel
Co-Founder and Product Line Manager

Wayne Turmel is the co-founder and Product Line Manager for the Remote Leadership Institute. For twenty years he’s been obsessed with helping managers communicate more effectively with their teams, bosses and customers. Wayne is the author of several books that demystify communicating through technology including Meet Like You Mean It – a Leader’s Guide to Painless & Productive Virtual Meetings, 10 Steps to Successful Virtual Presentations and 6 Weeks to a Great Webinar. His work appears frequently in Management-Issues.com.

Wayne, along with Kevin Eikenberry, has co-authored the definitive book on leading remotely, The Long-Distance Leader: Rules for Remarkable Remote Leadership. Wayne and Kevin’s follow-up book, The Long-Distance Teammate, offers a roadmap for success not just for leaders, but for everyone making the transition to working remotely.

Communication & Interpersonal Skills, Teamwork & Collaboration

Making Communication More than a Transaction

One of the phrases we use a lot around here is, “When working remotely, communication can become transactional.” Seriously, I was on our site and searched for “transactional,” and found over 20 references. And it’s not just a catch phrase. This is a real phenomenon. What’s also true is that a significant number of people follow up with a reasonable question: “Huh? What does that mean?”

Maybe it’s time to define the problem

Much of our day consists of transactions. We do something for, with, or to someone for a specific purpose. Someone asks a question, we answer it. I need information, you tell me where to find it. You owe me a report, there it is, now I’m off to my next task. There’s nothing wrong with all of this; it’s literally what our work requires.

Real communication, though, involves more than simply data transfer. Often it serves multiple purposes. Yes, we are giving someone an answer to a question. But the way we do it can build the relationship, inspire trust, make someone smile, or add value to the interaction.

Why working remotely makes it harder to add value with communication

When we work in the same location as others, and our work is primarily face-to-face, we indulge in richer, more nuanced communication unconsciously. We smile, apologize for an interruption, compliment the picture of the kids that sits on their desk, or get what we need, but stay and chat about other work topics as well.

Compare that to working remotely, where we often don’t get to see the face of the person we’re talking to. We aren’t even talking, since over 2/3 of our work takes place in writing. Sometimes the goal with email or chat is to take as little of the other person’s time as possible, and not indulge in anything that isn’t absolutely useful or productive. While this gets the transaction completed, it doesn’t build the relationship, enhance trust, or make work any more pleasant. You don’t have those “oh by the way” moments that inspire collaboration or save us a followup conversation.

Here are some typical behaviors that suggest you might be ignoring some important conversation for the sake of expediency:

You start every conversation with, “I know you’re busy so let’s just get to it…”
Your emails or texts are one line long
You interact with people all the time but can’t remember the last time you actually heard their voice
You just heard their kid turned 7 but the last time you talked about her she was only 5
You have been working like a dog but can’t remember the last time you laughed

Investing in other people pays off

None of this means you should waste people’s time or be a hindrance to getting the team’s work done. But it is important to remember that investing in relationships can actually increase the speed at which work gets done.

Whose email gets answered first? The person with a request, or the person you like interacting and want to help? If you have to return phone calls, do you ever start with the people you know you’ll enjoy talking to before going to the person you hardly know?

Work is transactional. That’s why they call it work. But it can be more pleasant while being efficient, if we take the time to connect on a human basis as well as just to get those tasks checked off our lists.

This is part and parcel of being a great remote teammate. Start that journey yourself with this great learning program.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Wayne Turmel
Co-Founder and Product Line Manager

Communication & Interpersonal Skills, Personal & Professional Development, Teamwork & Collaboration

Four Reasons People Don’t Listen to You

The frustration is real. You say things, share things, and communicate important messages, and it seems to fall on deaf ears. Have you ever wondered why people aren’t listening to you? Have you ever considered that it might not be about them at all?

At the core, effective communication is message sent; message received. Listening is clearly in the middle of that exchange. If we want to get our messages received clearly (another way to say that people are listening to you), we should consider what we are doing to impede the message being received. Which leads to the question: What can I do to make it easier for people to listen to me?

That is a great question. Before we get to the answer, we must acknowledge this profound truth: someone else listening to us isn’t in our control. We can’t “make someone” listen to us – just ask any elementary school teacher on the day before Spring Break starts. Everyone owns their own choice to listen, and so we must determine how to influence, encourage, and persuade them to listen to us.

As we think about that truth – that getting people to listen to us is an exercise in influence, we can quickly identify four things we often do wrong – four things that keep people from listening to us.

You aren’t listening to them

If you aren’t listening to me, why should I listen to you? It may sound petty and adolescent, but our brains all work like that sometimes. One of the best things you can do to improve the chances people will be listening to you is to listen them. Think about your best communication exchanges. In those cases, you are likely intently listening to others and they are doing the same in return. More on that in a minute, but for now realize that it probably isn’t a coincidence.

If people aren’t listening to you stop and ask yourself, and I modelling what I want them to do?

You aren’t focused on “message received”

Think about the side-by-side talking heads on any TV news or sports talk show. There is lots of talking, and very little listening going on. In those cases, both parties are often talking at the same time, over each other. Not only are they not listening to each other, but if we are ultimate audience, they are making it hard for us to listen to them too. While our communication situations might not be exactly like that, there are times they are eerily similar. When your focus is on what you are saying, you aren’t thinking about your audience at all.

If you want people to listen more closely to you, shift your focus from “making your point” (which is about pushing your message onto someone), to “helping them see” (which is about aiding them in hearing your point).

You aren’t tailoring the message to them

Have you ever seen the presentation that you know has been given five (or fifty times) -the one where the presenter seems on autopilot? While they may be polished and well prepared, does it sometimes feel like there might be something missing?

This is another example of the speaker being too focused on their message, and not enough on the audience. Knowing your stuff, having the facts, and even having a good story to tell isn’t enough, if there isn’t a perfect match between that message and the needs and interests of the audience.

Whether your audience is 1 or 100, are you speaking to them? Consider these questions: Are you speaking from your experience, or tapping into theirs? Are you using language and examples that they understand? Are you giving them good reasons, both intellectual and emotional, to listen to you?

Talking louder, or simple repetition won’t solve your problem. If you want others to listen to you, make it easy for them to do so, and give them reasons to. Remember they are deciding whether to listen to you or not, if they aren’t, it I up to you think about what you can do to capture their interest and change their mind.

You aren’t creating a dialogue

Listening to a lecture is hard. However good the lecture, speech or sermon is, you have an internal dialogue going on, don’t you? You have questions, you’d like to share your thoughts, you’d like the person to slow down or speed up. In other words, when communication is one way, it is harder for it to be successful.

You will create the opportunity and likelihood that others will listen if you stop focusing on your message and engage them in a dialogue about your message. If you feel people aren’t listening, stop talking. Ask a question about their thoughts or feelings. Elicit their questions. As you turn your exchange into a two-way dialogue, the levels of listening by both parties (you too!) will likely increase.

We have all felt the frustration when it doesn’t feel like our communication is working. It is too easy to just blame all of that on the other person. If someone isn’t listening to you, you will get better results if you focus on what you could change that might encourage them to listen to you – which means rather than waiting for them to change, the change must start with us.

…

One of the many ways you can become a more effective communicator is through better understanding your communication style and the strengths and weaknesses of that style. When you couple that knowledge with an understanding of how others communicate, you can predictably create more effective communication – including making it easier for people to listen to you. One tool for doing that is a DISC Assessment. You can get a taste of those insights with our free assessment. From there, you can upgrade to a full assessment and see a suite of tools to help you and your team be more effective communicators.

Communication & Interpersonal Skills, Personal & Professional Development

Listen Like You Mean it: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection

The experts say we begin hearing sounds at the 18^th week of pregnancy, and we are able to hear well from the moment we are born. Given that, you could say we have been listening our whole lives. But there is a difference between being able to hear and listening. And there is an even bigger difference between being able to listen and choosing to. How often do you listen like you mean it?

That is the title of Ximena Vengoechea’s new book, Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection. We have a blind spot about listening, because we are all capable of doing it. But this book tries to sell us on why it is so important to listen right in the title – the goal is connection. This book gives you tangible ways to improve in every piece of the listening process after selling you on the value of and importance of listening.

The last year has certainly proven that connections are important, and perhaps we used to take them for granted. This book will help you build or rebuild those connections. You will learn to apply your sense of hearing to the mechanics and purpose for truly listening.

I’ve read several books and countless articles about listening over the years. This book is the best at providing concrete examples of how to apply listening in communication, trust, and relationship building. I recommend it highly.

You can start improving your listening skills even before your copy arrives on your doorstep. Dip into the ideas and insights from the book by listening to my podcast conversation with Ximena on The Remarkable Leadership Podcast. Listen on your favorite podcast app, or watch or listen from here.

Communication & Interpersonal Skills, Long-Distance Leadership

What’s in a Word?

by Kevin Eikenberry

As I look ahead at the murky future of work, I know that words and how we choose them will play a role in what unfolds and how successful we are. Here are some examples.

The Words We’ve Chosen

When organizations sent their people to “work from home,” for many that became the phrase they used. On social media hashtags like #Workfromhome and #WFH were all the rage. And while we were working from home, that wasn’t (and isn’t) the most effective way to think about our work.

Think back to two years ago. If someone asked you what you did for a living you explained it. You didn’t say “I work in an office.” Saying that made no sense, and neither does “I work from home.” Rather than work from home, how about I’m a remote teammate? (This is a big idea in our new book The Long-Distance Teammate.

Similarly, now there is a lot of conversations about going “back to work.” Um, if we haven’t been working all this time, what have we been doing? Back to the office, or re-entering the office, maybe, but not “back to work” ok?

Making New Word Choices

Now you are beginning to make plans for the future of your workplace, and I believe you have a chance to label what you are doing in a way that serves you and your team. What will you call a working situation where some people are in the office and others aren’t, at least not every day? What will you call your new policies that outline how, when and where individuals will be working?

We have discussed this within our team. As folks who work with and consult leaders and organizations on these questions – we aren’t completely in agreement on which words will win – or become most popular – in describing this future workplace.

My Thoughts

For us we may be able to have some influence, but ultimately, we need to use the words the word picks in order to market our work and ideas.

You don’t have to worry about that – you can choose. We chose the phrase “hybrid teams” to describe this mixed working scenario over three years ago (before our book The Long-Distance-Leader was released). While we don’t know if the word hybrid will be the “winner,” here’s why we picked it. Plant breeders have been trying to improve plant characteristics by cross-breeding (i.e. creating hybrids) for centuries. The idea is to bring the best of each plant together into a new, stronger, more vibrant, and productive offspring.

This is why we originally chose the phrase hybrid in our work. We love the idea of the hybrid team, or hybrid working arrangement as a way to bring together the best of face-to -face working with the benefits we have now seen in working as a remote team. Focusing on finding the best of both will yield better results for everyone.

Regardless of what word becomes synonymous with this new way of working, we encourage you to choose your words and descriptions wisely. They can convey messages both consciously and unconsciously to your teams and customers. Giving this thought and communicating your choices will help create the future success of your teamwork, collaboration, and organizational culture.

If we can help you think through these decisions, the process by which to make the decision, or even how to prepare your leaders and teammates for the future, let us know. As always, we are here to help.

Communication & Interpersonal Skills

Make a Great Virtual First Impression

We’re all spending so much more time in online meetings these days, and much of our interviewing and client onboarding is happening via video chat. So what can you do to make a great first virtual impression?

Andres Lares, Managing Partner at Shapiro Negotiations Institute (SNI), offers these five body language tips to ensure you are making the best possible virtual impression:

Be approachable

Maintain an open posture. If you’re meeting over a video conferencing platform or Facetime, make sure to sit up straight and give eye contact while you or the other person is speaking. This also means choosing the right background. Clean is good but bare walls aren’t ideal because it doesn’t give the other person something to connect with.

Don’t jump right to business

Small talk is what builds rapport. It is the gel that connects people and allows others to trust you. Remember, you can always email a proposal later so use the time on video to get to know the person and their needs.

Smile

Smiling shows you enjoy people and are glad to meet them; people who smile are seen as kinder and warmer as well. Smiling when you meet people is powerful, too. However, make sure your smile is sincere.

Get yourself in a positive mindset

Even if you prefer in-person meetings to video, remember video does have advantages (cost and time being two of the biggest) so it’s here to stay. To make the most of your video calls, adopt a positive mindset. To help this along, before a meeting, do an activity you enjoy such as going for a walk or listening to your favorite music.

Always have an agenda and questions prepared

An agenda keeps meetings on track (so that you have more time for the personal rapport building at the beginning!) and the questions help to make sure you don’t do all the talking and engage the other person.

Check your online brand

People may look you up on LinkedIn, and other places, before meeting you for the first time so make sure you have a strong online presence. Considering a few posts and articles, in addition to the minimums of having a good picture and complete bio. Equally, make sure to look up people you are going to speak with, as it will help to give you context: what school they went to, how long they have been at the company and so on.

About the Author

Andres is the Managing Partner at Shapiro Negotiations Institute (SNI). Andres’ expertise is in deal coaching live negotiations for sports clients such as the San Antonio Spurs, Cleveland Indians, Cleveland Browns, Milwaukee Brewers, Oklahoma City Thunder, and Brooklyn Nets. Andres has guest lectured on negotiation at various universities and conferences including Ohio University, Johns Hopkins University, University of Baltimore, Endicott College, York College, Queen’s University, and the National Sports Forum. He annually teaches a highly sought after course on Sports Negotiation at Johns Hopkins University.

Andres completed an Economics degree at Queen’s University in Canada, a Master of Business Administration and Master of Sports Administration at Ohio University, and worked at the Philadelphia Eagles and Creative Artists Agency (formerly France Allpro Athlete Management) as well as a consultant at a few different firms across North America. Andres was born in Venezuela, grew up in Canada, and has traveled to over 30 countries. He lives in Baltimore, Maryland with his wife and two kids.

Communication & Interpersonal Skills

How to Confront Negative Behaviors When You Hate Confrontation

“Problems in the workplace are often created not by what we do, but by what we fail to do.”
-Aubrey C. Daniels – Bringing Out the Best in People

“All problems become smaller if you don’t dodge them, but confront them.”
– William F. Halsey

And one from me: Failure to confront a negative behavior is a subtle acceptance of it, an encouragement for it to continue in the future.

I prefer encouraging good behaviors over punishing bad ones. Encouragement is more comfortable to me, and in fact, behavioral analysts find that high-level performance comes from the effective use of positive reinforcement. However, we all know that some unacceptable behaviors will happen. When they do, it is the leader’s responsibility to step in and address them.

Maybe that statement is a no-brainer for you because confrontation is not uncomfortable for you. You do it naturally, and because it comes naturally, you may be highly skilled at addressing problems directly. However, many of us feel some stress and discomfort when conflict arises. I happen to be a person who would prefer to avoid conflict if possible, so I don’t offer this advice glibly. I offer it as a lesson from mistakes I have made in the past.

My desire for peace and harmony sometimes stops me from quickly confronting negative behaviors. The paradox is that, as the leader of a team, if I do not address negative behaviors, I will get more of them. And, in the end, I will have less peace and harmony. In order to get what I do want, I have to do what I don’t want to do.

Important: I am not suggesting public humiliation for people who act in offending ways. I am suggesting that leaders confront negative behaviors before they hurt team performance, not after.

I am sure that you have a list of negative behaviors you have seen in the workplace. Here is a partial list of some behaviors/issues I have had to address:

Interrupting meetings
Supervisors treating employees poorly
Employees verbally attacking each other
Lack of preparedness for meetings
Lack of attention in meetings
Too many personal phone calls at work
And many others.

To help people who, like me, would rather avoid a confrontation, I offer these suggestions to ease the stress:

Be prepared. Pre-plan what you intend to say. In most situations, I don’t suggest that you read a prepared statement. However, you should be prepared.
Be brief. Get to the point quickly, and stay on topic. You will find it easier to be brief if you prepare in advance.
Be specific. Make sure you speak about specific behaviors, and not your interpretations. Here is the difference: Words like rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful, arrogant, obnoxious, flighty, unfocused and pushy are interpretations. Words like interrupting, rolling eyes, speaking loudly (or softly), shrugging shoulders, looking away, walking away, and tone of voice are specific behaviors.
Explain the impact. Tell the person how other people perceive the behavior or how it affects team performance.
State the desired alternative. Go beyond a description of the negative behavior to describe what you expect in the future. By stating the desired behavior, you use positive reinforcement rather than punishment to drive performance.
Stay calm. The behavior may frustrate you, but now is not the time to vent on people. You want them to focus on your message and their behavior, not your frustration or anger.

Learn how to develop more leadership skills during our 100% virtual Bud to Boss workshops. Plenty of sessions have been scheduled over the next few months. Don’t miss out your chance to survive – and thrive! – as a new manager!

Communication & Interpersonal Skills, Personal & Professional Development

What Social Media Doesn’t Teach You About Effective Communication

We all communicate in a variety of ways every day. The fact is human beings are born to communicate. And the number of ways we can communicate has never been greater than today. In fact, some of our most prevalent communication mediums today didn’t exist twenty years ago. Unfortunately (though probably predictably), an abundance of tools hasn’t necessarily made us better communicators. My case in point today? Social media. Let’s explore what we can learn about effective (or not) communication from social media.

Communication Basics

Let’s start at the beginning. Effective communication is more than sending messages to an audience. Effective communication is message sent, message, received, message understood. While I have seen conversations in a comment thread allow people to create true mutual understanding, those instances are rare.

The challenges of creating “message sent, and message understood” aren’t solely those of the various social media channels. Chances are you have been in an email thread that went sideways and created frustration and conflict. Did the next email message correct it? Chances are you unraveled the communication and relieved the frustration with a phone call – something that isn’t likely happening after a social media miscommunication.

Helpful or Harmful?

Personally, I can cite many positives for some social media channels – it has brought distant members of my family closer together and has created or renewed bonds with classmates and people from my hometown. These channels can facilitate people with common interests to bond and learn from each other. In these ways, it is hard to argue the positive value of these channels and their ability to create a platform for communication.

This means that while social media isn’t always the cause of communication problems, these same channels are causing communication challenges and for many creating bad communication habits that are spreading beyond these online platforms.

The Problems

The problems with communication on social media platforms don’t solely belong to these platforms, but some of the biggest communication mistakes are easily repeated there. Some of the biggest examples are:

Forgetting about the audience. It is easy to make a statement on a social channel, and not thinking about the audience – because the audience could be large and quite vague. While plenty of people makes statements in real face to face communications, it is harder to ignore the audience completely when you can see them in front of you. Effective communication always takes the audience into account.
Focusing completely on sending your message. Sending messages on social platforms is easy – type it out, and hit send. But sending messages is just the first part of effective communication. Again, we all can be guilty of this in other communication settings (e.g. “I sent them the email…”), but the immediate and personal repercussions in a social channel are less and less personal typically, so the focus on sending can be heightened.
Confusing venting with successful communication. We all have a need to vent sometimes – communicating through a challenge or frustration can be helpful for us. But the personal need for venting seldom has a positive connection to effective communication. Go for a walk and talk it out. Vent to a willing friend. I don’t know about you but I have seen many things posted on social channels that lead me to wonder why they were posted. Maybe the sender felt better – but there was no chance of effective communication with anyone else as a result.

When you look at these challenges you see one thing in common – an internal focus. Each of these points center on the sender and their need to say something, but they don’t necessarily relate to and definitely don’t promote effective communication. Again, all of these things happen in media other than the “social” ones, but social media makes all of these mistakes more prevalent and can support bad habits in other communication situations.

There is more that could be said about the challenges of social media communication, like the creation of communication with anonymity, which rarely improves communication outcomes. When people take their anonymous communication habits into more personal or professional realms, communication results will be poor, and trust and relationships can be damaged as well.

But rather than simply beating up social media for poor communication (this wouldn’t be the first post to do that), let’s take some positives from these lessons.

Taking Positive Lessons

You have made all of the mistakes listed above, and so have I – and not only on social media but in many communications situations. Rather than shaking our head at how others are mangling communication, let’s use that experience to improve ours. Here are three quick examples:

Start with the audience. Before you communicate, think about who your audience is. Think about what they know, care about and value. When you begin your communication remembering that, you have a far better chance of communication success.
Focus on “message received.” It is easy to send messages. But what do you want people to hear and understand? Don’t just give directions, help people arrive successfully. Don’t just share your perspective, help people see it and understand it.
Share what is useful and valuable. Just because you can share, doesn’t mean you need to. When you see communication as less about you and more about the message, you will make far better communication decisions.

There are more lessons than these three. If you see others as you read and reflect, please apply them. But you can start with these three – when you apply these three ideas you will become a more effective communicator, regardless of your communication medium or platform.

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One of the many ways you can become a more effective communicator is through better understanding your communication style and the strengths and weaknesses of that style. When you couple that knowledge with an understanding of how others communicate, you can predictably create more effective communication. One tool for doing that is a DISC Assessment. You can get a taste of those insights with our free assessment here. From there, you can upgrade to a full assessment and see a suite of tools to help you and your team be more effective communicators.

Communication & Interpersonal Skills, New & Frontline Leadership

The Compassion Paradox

Effective leaders are comfortable with paradox. They can call on skills and work in ways that seem to be contradictory. Dictionary.com defines paradox as “a seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true.” As I study the field, I find many paradoxes associated with leadership. I see that developing the skills of a great leader requires us to work in apparently contradictory ways that are nonetheless true.

I often see my clients and seminar participants wrestle with these issues because they present themselves as extreme and contradictory positions. Many people struggle because they view the paradoxical extremes as either/or positions rather than both/and positions.

One dilemma many people have difficulty confronting is, what I call, the Compassion Paradox.

As a leader, you must be compassionate AND you must hold people accountable. Sometimes I say it this way: You cannot be too soft if you want to be compassionate. Depending on their personality style and personal experience, most people fall more on one side or the other of these two extremes. They are great at holding people accountable, but not so great at showing compassion. Or they are great at showing compassion, but not so great at holding people accountable. Learning to work both ends of this divide is one key to becoming an effective leader.

We normally fail to appropriately apply this principle because we do not really understand the two extremes. People who are comfortable with accountability view compassion as too “soft.” And, people who are comfortable with compassion view accountability as too “hard.” The truth is that neither extreme is either “soft” or “hard”. They are simply different responses to different leadership situations.

Let’s consider the definitions of these two responses:

Compassion: Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.
Accountability: The condition of being called to account; answerable.

As leaders, we must be aware of people’s needs and work to meet them (i.e., we must be compassionate). We must also hold people accountable. If we fail to hold people accountable, the organization fails. If we do not address concerns, people work at bare minimum levels or they leave. Again, the organization fails.

Some people are comfortable with this paradox. I find that most are not. My personal challenge is this: I fall more on the compassion side than on the accountability side. With conscious effort, I have improved my ability to hold people accountable. It is still not natural or comfortable for me. I realize, though, that it is necessary.

Whatever your bent, I encourage you to look at your behaviors as a leader. Are you more comfortable with compassion or with accountability? Either way, work to develop comfort with the other. When you can choose your response based on the situation, rather than your personal comfort, you will be skilled at applying the Compassion Paradox. You will be one step closer to acting as a highly effective leader.

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