Recently, I was speaking with participants in a training class about communication strategies to resolve conflicts. I shared with them that a genuine sense of curiosity about the other person’s perspective often goes a long way toward resolution, and that a sense of curiosity is often revealed when we ask the other person questions.
As we discussed the value of possessing a good question-asking technique, it became clear to me that most of us do not naturally ask “good” questions, and that is particularly true of first-time leaders. Instead, we have a tendency to make statements disguised as questions, rather than asking questions for the sole purpose of gathering more information and increasing our understanding of the other person. For example:
- “Can’t you see that I’m working here?”
- “Were you going to pick those papers up from the floor, or were you going to leave them there?”
- “You did realize that you were supposed to restock the printer, didn’t you?”
- “Were you late for a reason?”
What’s worse is that those questions are usually asked in a sarcastic manner, and they tell the other person pretty quickly “Hey, you are getting on my nerves/messing up?” That immediately draws a defensive reaction from the other person, and that is when the conflict begins to escalate.
Leadership strategy: Don’t disguise your statements as questions. Instead, when you have something to say, just say it, and ask questions when you really want to understand or learn more. For example, the questions above should be rephrased as statements, like this:
- “I’m busy at the moment. Let’s schedule a time to discuss this later.”
- “When you leave papers on the floor, it’s a tripping hazard and makes the office look sloppy. Please pick them up when you get a chance.”
- “John, please make sure you restock the paper, ink and so on when you lose the last of it during a print job.”
- “Sue, I noticed that you were late again this morning. I’ve schedule a 1 p.m. meeting with you to discuss how we can improve in this area.”
Now, if the intention was to gain more information, you would phrase those statements as questions.
- “I’m pretty busy right now. What steps have you taken so far?” (You may be able to tell the employee that they are on the right track or ask the person to put together some ideas and come back to you later.)
- “Why are you stacking those papers there?” (Learn the reason first, and then offer a better alternative.)
- “John, did you realize that the printer was out of ink and paper after you used it last?” (The person may not have even realized that he or she did something wrong).
- “Sue, why have you been late the last three days?” (You may find that the person has a legitimate reason, such as a sick loved one, and he or she needs some short-term schedule flexibility.)
When you find yourself in a difficult situation, watch your intent when you ask questions. Make sure you stay focused on understanding the other person and not on communicating your displeasure with a passive-aggressive—or outright aggressive—question.
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