In case you haven’t noticed, not everyone agrees with everyone else. Even in places where people share many perspectives, we don’t agree on everything. Success as a leader requires finding ways to work with people who disagree with you and with each other. To build a high performing team, you’ll need to navigate these differences without alienating the people around you – the team you lead, your peers, and your senior leaders. Learning to engage in constructive conflict conversations while maintaining respect for one another's perspectives is an art worth mastering.
Here are three suggestions for navigating disagreements without being disagreeable.
Focus on shared interests or perspectives.
Focusing on the area of disagreement rather than on areas of agreement is a common source of unproductive conflict. To foster a more collaborative and less confrontational atmosphere, actively look for shared interests, values, and perspectives.
Here's how to do that:
- Identify shared goals. Actively look for goals or outcomes you both want to achieve.
- Acknowledge valid points. Even when you disagree, recognize the validity of the other person's perspective by acknowledging their valid points. They can have valid points even if you disagree with their final conclusion. Acknowledging their valid points demonstrates respect.
- Seek outcomes that create a win for both parties. Remain open to alternative solutions (different from either person’s initial position) to resolve differences. This demonstrates a willingness to work together toward a mutually beneficial outcome.
Listen actively.
A mentor of mine once gave me this bit of wisdom: “Listen first.” I have found that to be a powerful idea in a few words. Too often, we are more eager to share our perspective than to hear the other person’s. We are focused on making them understand us more than we are focused on understanding them. Active listening involves more than just hearing words. It means understanding the underlying emotions and motivations behind someone else's viewpoint.
Here's how you can practice active listening:
- Eliminate distractions. Put away your phone. Stop looking at your computer. Look at them. Maintain comfortable eye contact (Not “staring them down.” Rather, showing that you are paying attention.). Show that you're fully present.
- Ask clarifying questions. Gain deeper understanding by asking for their perspective. Use open-ended questions that invite a response other than “yes” or “no” answers.
- Reflect and paraphrase. After the other person has spoken, paraphrase their points to both confirm and show your understanding. This step helps to ensure you both have the same understanding of the situation, and it demonstrates your willingness to engage constructively.
Use "I" Statements.
A common pitfall in many disagreements is using "you" statements – statements that convert your interpretation of a situation into a statement about the other person. For example, you feel misunderstood, and you say something like this to the other person: “You’re not listening.” These types of “you” statements convey accusation and blame. They create defensiveness rather than openness. Instead, use "I" statements to express your perspective and feelings without placing blame or judgment on the other person.
No list of communication suggestions will work in every situation. But there are some common approaches that work in many situations. Here’s an approach that frequently works to both communicate your perspective and to understand theirs:
State your observation or understanding.
- “Here’s what I heard…” rather than “You said…”
- “I thought I saw/observed…” rather than “You did…”
- “My understanding is that…” rather than “You’re supposed to…”
Explain your perspective or interpretation.
Give your viewpoint without making it sound like an absolute truth. You could say something like:
- "From my perspective…"
- "In my experience…"
- “I interpret that to mean…”
- “Here’s what that means to me…”
- “I see that as…”
Invite a response.
Encourage two-way dialogue by asking for the other person's thoughts or feelings. You can do this with these types of questions:
- "How do you see it?"
- "What are your thoughts?"
- “How does that feel to you?”
- “What’s your take on that?”
Using "I" statements shifts the focus from blaming or directly disagreeing with the other person to sharing your perspective and inviting them to share theirs.
Disagreements are an inevitable part of life in general and leadership specifically. Disagreeing does not have to mean being disagreeable, though. By focusing on shared interests, practicing active listening, and using "I" statements, you can often successfully navigate these conversations to reach an outcome both parties can support.
Disagreeing is often an exchange of ideas from a different perspective. A direction you may not have thought about. This opens the opportunity for dialogue.
If every idea was rubber stamped how boring would that be!