I want you to pause for a minute and imagine this scenario: You ask an employee, coworker, friend or family member for an honest opinion. The person offers it, but it’s not exactly what you wanted to hear. Perhaps your spouse commented that she didn’t like the new dish you prepared. Or your coworker disagreed with your plan of attack on a project. Or your BFF admitted that “Yes, those pants do make you look fat.”
Think about how you feel. Are you hurt, angry, annoyed at the person’s audacity? It happens all the time. Even when we ask people to be totally honest with us, we don’t always want to hear the truth, do we?
I’ve thought about this a lot, and I honestly believe it comes down to this: We feel bad because we need affirmation from others. We don’t necessarily want the truth. We just want people to back us up.
Your words can hurt or empower
As a leader, you are going to have to share negative feedback with employees. More than that, you are going to have to correct them when they are outright wrong. Your words have the power to offend them. Perhaps it’s because they don’t trust your intentions or your relationship is not strong enough for them to take your comments the way that you intend them. Whatever the cause, if you offer “constructive criticism” without first affirming them, they will likely respond negatively, even when your intentions are pure and honorable.
Once offended or upset, your employees often have difficulty shifting their mental focus to recognize your positive intentions. Nor will they receive or act on corrective comments. They will likely focus on their initial negative feelings and either resist or ignore your suggestions. On the other hand, correct them the right way, and you help them reach their full potential.
3 steps to correct people, without destroying their confidence
In order to improve the odds that employees take your suggestions and corrective comments, offer them an honest, genuine, positive comment before you tell them what to improve. As you practice applying this principle, remember these three rules about affirmation:
- Make the affirmation as specific as the correction. Generalities and non-specific comments may come across as condescending. Pick specific points or observations for your praise and affirmation. Example: “I like the way you … instead of “You did some good things.”
- Keep your comments brief and to the point. When you speak too long, people get lost in the talking and miss the point.
- Watch your tone and body language. If your tone sounds condescending or your body language is stiff, you will likely communicate a negative message to your listener. Make sure your tone and body language convey the feeling that you want to help and not the feeling that you want to condemn.
Finally, always correct people for the right reasons. That is to help them to become stronger employees. Never do it out of spite or because you want to put someone in his or her place.
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