When I read a title like that I immediately start thinking things like:

I wonder what he thinks the biggest listening distraction is? Will I agree? Will my guess be correct? Will this article be worth my time? . . .

Chances are, you are thinking some version of those things as you read them. Let me tell what the biggest distraction isn’t:

• It isn’t your phone.
• It isn’t your laptop.
• It isn’t your to-do list.
• It isn’t the other conversations going on in the room.
• It isn’t the TV, radio, or iPod.
• It isn’t what you were reading when the person started talking.

Believe me, all of those things are (big) distractions. But the biggest of all, is right between your ears.

Hindus named this distraction 2,500 years ago; in Sanskrit it is called vritti.

You probably call it your inner voice or dialogue.

The questions I said I would be asking when I read the headline? That is inner dialogue. And every minute we are listening to others, we have an inner dialogue going on.

Why is that?

A big part of the reason is that our brains can think faster than anyone can speak, so while I am listening to you (or you are reading these words), you have excess brain capacity, and so your brain starts “talking” while you are listening.

So if this is the biggest distraction we have to being a better listener, how can we overcome it, or even as I suggest above, use it to our advantage?

I believe there is a three-part answer to that question:

• Deciding
• Quieting
• Harnessing

Deciding

You’ve already decided you want to get better at this because you are still reading. You want to be a better listener. You know that skill is important and you want to be better at it.

Congratulations. (And read on.)

Quieting

There are a few things we can do to start quieting our inner dialogue, but what most people do first doesn’t work.

Whatever you do right now, don’t think about a purple zebra.

Yep, you are seeing one in your mind, aren’t you? Your inner dialogue tries to leave it but keeps coming back to the (nonexistent) purple zebra. The best way to fail in quieting your inner dialogue is to tell yourself you are going to stop. Pure stubbornness won’t get you there.

So if brute force doesn’t work, what might?

• A Clear Intention. Desire is a start, but a clear intention means to go into a conversation with the intention of listening more effectively, careful and empathetically. When you set your intention, you help improve the situation, but it isn’t the whole solution.
• Continual Refocusing. This is being aware of the inner dialogue being off track and moving yourself back to the topic (and person) at hand, rather than berating yourself for continuing to get mentally off the subject.
• Practicing. There are many approaches here – meditation, prayer, yoga and many other routines and practices that will help clear your mind and make it easier to reduce the inner dialogue and/or keep it focused where you want it.

All of this points to the fact that you aren’t likely going to stop the inner dialogue, so if that is the case, then what?

Harnessing

If the inner dialogue is going to happen, the best goal is to use it to help you listen better. Here are four ways to help you do that:

• Focus on the person you are listening to. When we focus our attention on the other person, we give ourselves a chance to keep our inner dialogue on that person. If I keep thinking about them, their needs and their message, I will be far more present and a far better listener.
• Think like a detective. The inner dialogue I opened with was, at least, about the topic of the article. That is far more productive dialogue than if it moves on to . . . “I wonder how much this distraction affects me? I’m sure I am better at this than most people. I’ve got this. Man, I am getting hungry. I wonder where I should go for lunch, and what did they just text to me?” You get the idea. If I am being a detective, as I focus on the other person, I am really trying to determine what they are trying to say, how enthusiastic they are about their message, how much it matters to them, and more – that inner dialogue is far more productive if I want to be listening more effectively.
• Ask more clarifying questions. As long as you are being a detective, why not ask some of those questions you are thinking? When appropriate in the conversation, ask questions to better understand what the person said, or what you thought they said. I know, this is classic listening behavior, but it is hard to do if your inner dialogue has you someplace else completely.
• Ask more probing questions. Along with questions to clarify and better understand, as a curious detective, you might want to ask the speaker to dive deeper and answer other questions that have crossed your mind. But you can’t ask them if you aren’t thinking about them first!

Our brains are amazing in their ability to compute and think quickly. Our goal to be a better listener is to use more of that wonderful brainpower for the productive work of listening to and understanding people’s message – both what is spoken and what they haven’t said.

It is a proven fact – the attitude of those around you is contagious.

This fact is great, when the attitude we are infected with is a positive one. But that isn’t the purpose of this article. Since negative attitudes are just as contagious as positive ones, if you are like me, you’d like to guard yourself from these attitudes!

Whether you deal with this with co-workers, the team you lead, or people in your personal life, the six ideas below will help you – if you put them to work.

Disassociate Yourself

In some cases I mean this literally. If a person’s attitude is negatively affecting you, don’t spend time around them. This literal meaning might not be possible if they are your co-worker, if you lead them or if they are your Customer or Supplier, at least not immediately. But it is very possible to do so in your personal life. Limit the time spent with this person – especially if the other ideas below don’t help you.

If the person works for you, buys from you or sells to you – you might not be able to remove them from your work immediately, but if the other ideas below don’t help, it is possible to fire or re-assign employees, change suppliers, and get new Customers, right?

Separate the Behavior From the Person

Just because someone’s behavior is challenging to you and bringing down your attitude, doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Thankfully, we are not our behavior, and behavior can change. When you remember this idea and can make this separation, it will help you put their attitude into a different perspective, and perhaps keep their mindset from influencing yours quite as much.

Acknowledge, But Don’t Agree

Often people want us to commiserate with their bad luck stories, but it is often those stories that negatively impact our attitude. If or when we can’t distance or disassociate from people, I do recommend listening to their perspectives and stories – but we don’t have to agree with them. Listen to them to be empathetic if needed, but don’t take on their issues in the progress.

In fact, you can almost make it a game in your own head – looking for the flip side of their story. Look for the positive angle or benefit in their “ain’t it awful” story. Whether you choose to share your different perspective with them is up to you (and perhaps dependent on the situation and relationship). Either way, the mental exercise of looking for the good angle will help keep you from picking up their negative attitude.

Inoculate Yourself From the Contagion

Medical professionals give us all kinds of good advice of things we can do to reduce the chance we get the flu or catch whatever virus is floating around us. Their advice includes rest, better diet, washing our hands and in some cases inoculating ourselves to keep from getting the malady.

We can inoculate ourselves against negative attitudes as well. Here is a (very) short list of ideas to get you started – the common thread involves consciously and intentionally putting more positive thoughts into your mind to help overcome the negative.

• Read things that inspire you. It could be spiritual material, biographies of successful people (who likely have overcome great negativity in their lives), poetry or whatever inspires you.
• Watch uplifting movies.
• Spend time with positive people.
• Practice looking for the good in situations. It is almost always there; maybe not in the moment, but in the big picture it can usually be found.
• Create a gratitude journal – write down things each day that you are thankful for.

Influence Their Attitude

Their attitude is contagious, but so is yours. What are you doing to help moderate or change their attitude? This could include coaching (while you can’t coach attitude directly, there are things you can do – I recorded this video that you might find helpful), but it goes beyond that too.

How about being supportive, offering to help, or being encouraging? How about a smile? How about having a positive outlook that might help them change theirs?

Let It Go

There is something else we can do too. When we remember that their attitude is their choice, we can choose to let go of their attitude’s influence on us. (Tweet that) They are making choices, and we are making different ones. It may take some practice, but this can be a very powerful approach, especially when combined with the separation of person and behavior described above.

Say it with me: let it go.

These ideas can help you reduce the impact of other people’s negativity on you. They will take some practice, but most anything worth doing is worth working at. See how that statement is a positive thought?

You are on the right track.

It is a fundamental quandary in any organization.

Someday, the current leaders won’t be there and someone else will need to fill their shoes. It might not be soon, or it might be very urgent due to demographics, turnover or organizational growth. Whatever the reason, the question needs to be posed and answered – who are our future leaders?

In our work with leaders and organizations, this question gets asked often – and most often our help is required in creating processes and development tools to help people successfully grow into leadership roles once they have been identified. Those “how” steps are important but can only be implemented once the “who” has been identified.

So what should we look for and how should we pick future leaders?

Let’s start with what not to do.

Most people pick future leaders by looking at their most technically proficient person doing the current work – they pick the best sales person to be the sales manager, the best accountant to head the accounting group or the most productive person on the crew to supervise the production crew.

While this happens frequently, and can work out, there are at least two major flaws in this approach:

• The skills required to be good at a job are not the same skills required to lead people doing that work.
• If you move someone from where they are excellent to where they may not be, you are sacrificing the work output that that high performer provided in their previous role.

If our best current performer isn’t who we should automatically pick, who should we pick instead?

It might be that top performer you would have selected before you read this article, but if so, I hope it will be for some additional reasons. Here is what I would look for, both in current activities at work, outside of work, and through conversations with people:

Interest and Desire. There are lots of people who seem to have the raw materials to lead, but aren’t really interested. They like being a salesperson; they like being in the field; they like doing IT projects – in other words they love their current work. The role of leader requires a change in perspective and a change in work routine. Make sure the people you see as future leaders like the picture you see. If not, moving them into leadership will likely be painful for everyone.

A Mindset of Learning. The role of leader requires new skills and a willingness to live with shades of gray and ambiguity. No one moves into a leadership role without needing to learn a lot (and for a long time). If you are looking for people to move into supervisory and leadership roles, look for people who are willing to learn – which is best seen by how much they are already learning in their current role.

Healthy Humility. The best leaders learn how to support their team, allow the team to shine when successful, and take the blame personally when things don’t go so well. Not everyone can take this humble approach easily or naturally, yet it is a characteristic of great leaders. Recognize too that when you promote someone from a job they were great at to one that will be new to them, humility will be needed early and often if they are going to succeed.

A Positive Attitude. Face it. Attitude is contagious, and the attitude and outlook of a leader is most contagious of all. If you want a team of Don and Debbie downers, promote someone with a negative attitude – but it is likely that is what you will get. Everyone I talk to wants to have teams that are positive, upbeat and with a can do attitude. That attitude always starts with (and is reinforced by) the leader.

Integrity. This list wouldn’t be complete without this critical element. We need leaders who are honest, trustworthy and of high character. As you look at future leaders, don’t get enamored by skills and potential and miss this critical element. Organizational horror stories often start when this trait has been missed or overlooked.

While there are many traits that you might have thought about including on this list, chances are all of those other things are skills that can be learned. And you can teach people the skills they need to be successful. But those skills can’t (or won’t) be learned, or applied properly and effectively unless the foundation listed above is in place first.

You might consider other factors related to the style and approach of people and how it will match and mesh with the culture of your organization, but even some of those things can be adjusted by the leader, if the expectations for success are made clear early.

It is important to note that my belief and philosophy is that everyone has the potential – the raw materials – to become an effective leader. Potential however, is only the start. It takes a decision, discipline and the right mindset to hone and use that potential to create the skills necessary to effectively lead others.

I hope that this list provides guidance to you and others in your organization – or at least provides input for a discussion that leads to creating your own list of criteria for identifying future leaders in your organization.