Watch the news, listen to a child, in fact listen to a whole lot of the conversations you will encounter today, and you will hear discussions that include blame. Fingers are regularly pointed at others to explain, justify, and rationalize our actions and results. The more attuned to this you become, the more prevalent you see that it is. Today’s quotation addresses this phenomenon head on. Read it, ask yourself the questions, and take some personal action.

“We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters,your brothers, the school, the teachers — you can blame anyone but never blame yourself — it’s never your fault. But it’s always your fault, because if you wanted to change, you’re the one who has got to change. It’s as simple as that, isn’t it?”

– Katherine Hepburn, Actress

Questions to Ponder

– How often do I blame others?

– In what situations do I most often blame others?

– How often do I look at my role in those blame events?

Action Steps

1. Make it your habit to look at your role in any situation.

2. Ask yourself “What was my role in these results?”

3. Ask yourself “What will I do differently next time?”

My Thoughts

I read Ms. Hepburn’s quotation this week and (nearly) shouted “Yes!”

In my mind, she is completely right, and if I knew someone lived by that statement (in other words, actions matching the words), I’d believe, even expect, that person to be successful in their chosen field. Clearly, Katherine Hepburn was successful in hers.  Why?  Because this is the trademark of successful people – they recognize their responsibility in every situation.

There is lots that could be written about this idea (I did a bit on it recently here). But the point in short is this. When we blame someone else, we shift the responsibility to them, and when we do that, we have no reason to change our behavior. If we don’t change our behavior, the odds of the next result being the same are extremely high.

Katherine says, bluntly, that is it always our fault.  She’s right.

You played some role in the result you received, take responsibility for it, then (and only then) will you be able to decide if you want to take a different action next time.

I am often reminded of the power of habits in my personal life, and today I wanted to explore that with you and make some important connections to our role as a leader, why it can be difficult, and how to improve our success.

Two Kinds of Habits

While all habits are automatic responses, they fall into two basic types:  considered and not considered. “Considered” habits are probably what you thought about when you read the title of this article – when (or whether) you exercise, what (or when) you read, if you eat dinner with (or without) your family. “Not considered” habits are the millions of other things that are, well, habitual, like – how we respond in certain situations, our gestures, on which side of our mouth we start brushing our teeth, how we greet people on the phone (etc., etc!).

Recognizing that habits, by their nature, are largely subconscious is an important part of this article. More important though, is knowing that any individual habit can become conscious, considered, and therefore changed.

You wake up and your body moves into motion. How you stretch, what you do before you shower, how you soap up, shampoo, and more – all done in habit. And this isn’t just about what happens when you might still be (partly) asleep. A whole myriad of things are done habitually at work too. Let’s take a meeting. Where you sit, how you sit, how you greet people, when, how, and how often you speak, whether you ask question or not (and lots more); all habit.

Habits are Necessary

Overall habits are an exceedingly good thing – without them, we couldn’t survive life as we know it. It might be frightening to think about how much of your life, (conversations and decisions, for example) run on the autopilot of habit. Frightening perhaps, but completely needed. Our subconscious mind is so powerful that it can just take care of all this stuff for us – our relatively feeble conscious mind wouldn’t be able to handle all of the input. The challenge we face is to be aware that all of this habitual stuff is happening  (even if we aren’t aware of it in the moment) and move to our conscious mind those things that are most important to us or may be getting in the way of our potential success.

Habits are at the Heart of our Results

Author Robert Collier wrote, “Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.”  – an accurate statement about habits.  He could have also written, while less inspirational but just as accurately, “Failure is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.”

Here’s the fact:  habits are at the heart of our results. If you aren’t getting the results you want in any area of life, a big key is to figure out which habits (considered or not) are getting in your way, then adjusting them to create new results.

Moving the change from conscious (a considered habit) – also known as discipline – to subconscious (not considered habits) – effortless – is where the real acceleration will come.

Our Habits Teach Others How to Work With Us

Here is a quick exercise. Think about something that someone does (or people in general do) in response to you that bothers, frustrates, or upsets you.

Then look in the mirror and ask yourself, what am I doing (consciously or not) that is influencing their actions? Something you are doing is informing and allowing or permitting people to respond or work with you in that way. Rather than focusing on changing them, why not focus on what is more in your control anyway; changing yourself (first)?

Coaching is Really About Habits

When we are coaching others, whether to stretch them to higher levels of performance or to provide correction, we are dealing with people’s habits. Everything we’ve talked about so far has been about our personal habits. Yet all of that insight applies to our understanding of the habits of others as well. Perhaps the step you’ve missed in coaching others has been to help them become aware of a not considered habit, because as we have already seen, if we aren’t aware of that automatic habit, it will be very difficult to change.

Habits are Change Reminders

Coaching is, of course, also about change. Once people are aware of their habits, then they can begin to change them.

What has been your personal experience in changing habits? Was it easy or difficult? Since I can safely assume that you likely answered “difficult,” that provides a window into our challenges with change.

The next time you are trying to influence change, whether encouraging someone to turn in their reports on time, explaining the virtues of the new work process, or outlining a big organizational change, remember that part of the influencing effort is about these necessary, often hidden, and powerful things called habits.

Remembering, and using that insight will make you more patient, influential, and successful.

Today’s Remarkable Principle:  Remarkable leaders know that the power of their habits go beyond themselves to everyone they lead.