I was overhearing a television program the other day, and the hostess was talking about “Love bombing.” This is the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them. The first part is great (who doesn’t want to be showered with love and attention?) the second part is the problem. Ultimately it’s not about being affectionate, it’s about manipulation and control.
As I listened to the discussion, I realized how much of this behavior we see from managers, especially on remote teams where there isn’t a lot of accidental or casual interaction. Here are five ways leaders sometimes cross the line from attention and genuine communication to Love Bombing.
1. Overwhelming Praise and Attention That is Suddenly Pulled Away
In love bombing: The person showers their target with praise, attention, and affection to gain trust and control. When the attention stops, the other person becomes confused and changes their behavior to regain the attention.
In management: A poor manager often starts by praising employees excessively, calling them “rock stars” or “indispensable.” But when attention shifts or stress rises, they suddenly withdraw support or become critical. This emotional whiplash leaves employees anxious and confused about their standing. On remote teams, where employees may wish for more contact with their leaders, this can be felt very strongly.
2. Conditional Support
In love bombing: Affection and kindness are given only when the other person behaves in a way that pleases the manipulator.
In management: Some managers act supportive or friendly only when employees agree with them or deliver immediate results. The moment someone challenges an idea or struggles, the warmth disappears. This teaches employees to comply rather than contribute. On a remote team this can very often result not only in grudging compliance, but extreme disengagement.
3. Control Disguised as Care
In love bombing: The manipulator may check in constantly under the guise of caring — “I just worry about you” — when they’re really monitoring and controlling behavior.
In management: Bad managers micromanage while claiming they’re “helping” or “making sure you succeed.” Frequent check-ins, nitpicking edits, and “just checking progress” messages all masquerade as involvement but stem from insecurity or distrust.
4. Gaslighting and Mixed Messages
In love bombing: The manipulator rewrites history — “I never said that,” or “You’re imagining things.”
In management: A poor manager might change direction without acknowledging it, then blame employees for “not understanding.” They might praise initiative one week and reprimand someone for “going rogue” the next. This unpredictability keeps the team off balance and dependent on the manager for validation. This is why documentation and referring to notes and documents during one on ones is important (and honest mistakes happen, employees should do their own tracking as well.)
5. Creating Dependency
In love bombing: The goal is to make the target feel they can’t succeed or feel good without the manipulator’s approval.
In management: Some managers foster dependence by withholding information, inserting themselves into every decision, or discouraging independent thinking. They frame it as “team alignment,” but the result is learned helplessness — employees stop taking initiative because they expect the boss to change direction or override decisions anyway. One way to avoid this is to make sure you help facilitate connections between team members. You don’t (and shouldn’t!) have to be in the middle of every decision and communication. Remote team members should feel as strong a connection to their peers as they do to their manager.
It may seem strange to compare dating/relationship behavior to managing, but what is leadership other than achieving goals through communication and relationships? Good behavior leads to success, poor behavior leads to misery.
How are you interacting with the team members who don’t share your location? Any of these behaviors ring a bell?.
If you or your people wish to learn more about leading in a remote and hybrid environment, our Long Distance Leadership content might be for you. We are offering public classes in January and February, check them out www.kevineikenberry.com/events
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