From the time I was young, my dad told me: “When you point your finger at someone, remember there are three fingers pointing back at you.” As with many things I heard from my parents, it was remembered long before I really understood it. Dad was telling me to take ownership. That by pointing my finger at others, I was somehow, falsely, trying to absolve myself from my responsibility.
Welcome to the slippery slope of they
They is a pronoun, and, by itself, isn’t a problem at all. It is a perfectly useful and helpful form of speech. Except when we use it to shift responsibility, ignore our role in a situation, blame others, or allow ourselves to become a victim.
- I wish they would do something about that.
- When are they going to realize this isn’t working?
- What in the world are they thinking?
- I wish they would tell us what they need.
In all these cases, we are waiting, wishing, and wondering when they will take action.
As I read these statements again (even though I wrote them), I have the same thought I have when I hear them from others.
Who are they, exactly?
When we use they, rather than Jenny, Joe, or Jim, we depersonalize things in a way that makes it easier for us to ignore our possible role or opportunity in the situation. After all, it would be easier to talk to Jenny than to an unnamed “them.”
If we want to improve a situation – to influence future actions – we have to take ownership. Otherwise, we will do nothing, and perhaps complain and blame (but not expect something to change).
If we want to influence things in the future, we must recognize what role we had in the situation, regardless of how small, and then focus on what we can do. Which means…
- “I wish they would do something about that.” – becomes – “I need to let the IT group know what is happening.”
- “When are they going to realize this isn’t working?” – becomes – “I need to tell Juan why this isn’t working.”
- “What in the world are they thinking?” – becomes – “I don’t know what Harry in HR was thinking. Maybe I am missing something, or maybe he is.”
- “I wish they would tell us what they need.” – becomes – “We (or I) need to talk with Cathy’s team, so we have clearer expectations.”
Stop and ask
If we want to create clearer expectations, greater engagement and higher levels of accountability, we have to stop when we hear the word they (coming from our mouths or those of our team) and ask… Who are they?
Identifying who they are is the first step toward improvement, less conflict and frustration, and higher levels of accountability, raising our own ownership to new levels.
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