Blame. It’s easy to fall into. It’s emotionally satisfying in the moment. And yet, it’s one of the biggest barriers to our growth, progress, and leadership potential.
Whether you're leading a team or just trying to navigate your day, recognizing and moving past blame is a crucial step toward becoming more effective—and more fulfilled.
The Temptation of Blame
As leaders, we’ve all been there. Something goes wrong, and the finger starts pointing—maybe even yours.
When I was a kid, my dad used to say, “Kevin, remember—when you point a finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you.” I thought I could outsmart that wisdom by changing how I pointed. But of course, the lesson stuck. And it’s as true in the boardroom as it was in my childhood home.
When we blame others, we’re not only dodging responsibility—we’re cutting off our own opportunity to learn, grow, and improve. Worse, we start to believe the problem lies only outside of ourselves, making us passive participants in our own outcomes.
Why Blame Holds You Back
Blame has a seductive quality. It allows us to:
- Avoid responsibility: “It’s their fault, not mine.”
- Avoid change: “If they’re the problem, I don’t have to adapt.”
- Avoid action: “If only they would change, things would be better.”
But here’s the truth: every time we default to blame, we rob ourselves of a chance to lead better and live better.
We also risk slipping into victim mode, which is easier to spot in others but harder to admit in ourselves. And no one wants to follow a victim.
Shifting Your Lens: 3 Ways to Move Past Blame
If we want to lead at a higher level, we need a different approach. Here are three practical ways to start:
1. Consider Plausible Causes
Instead of jumping to judgment, ask yourself: What might they have been seeing or experiencing? Their intent may not have been malicious. Their perspective could be shaped by different information, context, or pressures.
Assume positive intent. It doesn’t excuse poor results, but it does build empathy—and opens the door to better communication.
2. Shift from “They” to “Me”
Listen to your language. Are you using “they” and “them” more than “I” or “we”?
The pronouns we choose shape our mindset. When we shift to “me” and “our,” we begin to reclaim control. We become problem-solvers, not problem-pointers.
3. Ask the Accountable Question
Here’s the magic phrase:
“What could I have done—or what could I do next time—to change the outcome?”
This question doesn’t just promote ownership; it empowers you to take action. Maybe you could’ve asked a clarifying question. Had a tough conversation. Shared concerns earlier. The possibilities are endless, but it starts with you.
Blame might feel good in the short term, but it won’t help you lead. Taking responsibility—even when it’s hard—is what separates great leaders from everyone else.
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