Giving feedback is one of the most important responsibilities we have as leaders. And yet, it’s also one of the trickiest. If you’re like most people, you’ve had feedback conversations go off the rails — or maybe you’ve avoided them altogether, hoping the issue would somehow fix itself.
Over the years, I’ve coached and trained thousands of leaders. And today, I want to share with you what I believe is the biggest secret to giving feedback that actually works.
It’s simple — and powerful.
Don’t start by telling. Start by asking.
Let me explain.
Why This Works
When we prepare to give feedback, we usually come in ready to talk. We’ve thought about what we want to say. We’ve made a mental list (or maybe even a real one) of points to share — hopefully clear, specific, and actionable.
But here’s the problem: starting the conversation with our points puts the other person in defense mode. It can feel like a critique. It becomes “you vs. them,” even when our intent is to help.
Instead, what if we asked them first?
When you ask for their perspective before offering yours, something amazing happens: defensiveness melts away. People don’t argue with their own insights.
You shift the conversation from a monologue to a dialogue. And that makes all the difference.
What Should You Ask?
Start the conversation with genuine curiosity. Here are a few questions I like to use:
- “How do you think that went?”
- “What’s working? What’s not working?”
- “What do you wish you had done differently?”
There are dozens of variations, but the goal is always the same: to hear their perspective first.
From there, you can decide how to respond.
How to Handle Their Response
Now, you might be wondering — what if they don’t say anything?
They might not. If they’re not used to being asked, or if they’re unsure of your intent, silence is a natural response. Don’t panic. Just encourage them.
Say something like:
“I’m just really curious how you see it. I’m not looking for a ‘right’ answer — I just want to know what you’re thinking.”
Encouragement and patience go a long way.
What if they’re too negative? Help them step back from the cliff. Maybe they’re being hard on themselves, or they think that’s what you want to hear. Help them find balance.
What if they’re overly positive and don’t see the issue at all? You can help them calibrate. But wouldn’t you rather know they see it that way before you launch into your feedback? That insight helps you frame your points more effectively.
Two Powerful Questions
Once you’ve had the conversation, shared any additional thoughts, and built mutual understanding — don’t stop there.
Wrap it up with these two questions:
- “What will you do differently next time?”
- “How can I help?”
These questions reinforce that there will be a next time. They turn the conversation toward the future. And they show that you’re a partner in their growth — not just a critic of their past.
If you want your feedback to be received and accepted… start by asking them what they thought.
It’s a simple shift. But it can make all the difference.
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