I have a question for you: Who decides if you are listening?
This might seem like an odd question at first, but it’s one of the most important ones we can ask ourselves if we truly want to be great listeners. Over the years, I’ve worked with countless leaders and teams on developing their communication skills, and one truth stands out: Listening isn’t about you—it’s about the other person.
It’s Not What You Think, It’s What They Think
Think about this for a moment. You might believe you’re listening. You might even be listening objectively—nodding along, repeating back what someone says, or maintaining eye contact. But here’s the catch: If the other person doesn’t feel like you’re listening, none of that matters.
Ultimately, they decide if you’re listening based on how they perceive your actions and behavior. Listening is more than just hearing words or being able to replay them like a tape recorder. In fact, if you simply regurgitate what someone says without demonstrating genuine engagement, it could frustrate them even more.
Why This Matters for Leaders
As leaders, we’ve all been there. We’ve worked on our listening skills, practiced techniques, and maybe even studied the art of active listening. And that’s fantastic—it’s important work. But we must remember not to get cocky or overconfident about our abilities.
If we make listening about proving how good we are, we’ve missed the point entirely. Listening is not about us; it’s about them. It’s about making others feel seen, heard, and valued. When we focus on the other person’s experience, we create deeper connections and build stronger relationships.
All the listening behaviors in the world don’t matter if the other person doesn’t believe, feel, or notice that you are truly listening. It’s as simple—and as challenging—as that.
So, the next time you’re in a conversation, ask yourself: Am I creating an experience where this person feels heard? If the answer isn’t clear, it’s time to refocus and get curious about their perspective.
Remember: Listening isn’t about you—it’s about them.
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