Listening is one of those skills that everyone thinks they know, but few truly master. It’s often misunderstood as just another technique that can be taught, like public speaking or time management. But what if I told you that listening isn't actually a skill problem at all? Instead, it’s something deeper, tied to our habits and choices. That’s what makes it so tricky to improve.

Why Listening Isn’t a Skill You Can Learn

I’ve spent years asking people about listening, and the responses are always the same. When I ask, "How do you know someone is listening?", people list the usual signs: eye contact, nodding, smiling, body language, asking questions, paraphrasing, and even taking notes.

These are the outward behaviors that tell us someone is paying attention. If a person makes eye contact, leans forward, and asks thoughtful questions, we feel heard. But here’s the thing: those behaviors aren’t hard to perform. You’ve likely done them before, especially in situations where it mattered, like during a job interview or an important conversation.

So, if we already know how to do these things, why aren’t we better listeners?

The Real Challenge: It’s About Habits, Not Skills

The reality is that listening isn't a skill problem—it's a habit problem. You have the skills already; the challenge lies in using them consistently. When we fail to listen well, it's not because we lack the ability. It’s because we haven’t made it a habit to apply those skills every time we engage in a conversation.

Habits are harder to change than skills because they require a deeper level of commitment. To change a habit, you need both reason and desire. You need to see why listening matters and truly want to improve. If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that you already have the desire to become a better listener. But desire alone isn’t enough—you need to consciously practice until the habit sticks.

How to Become a Better Listener

While I can’t teach you to listen, I can offer some tips to help you turn your existing skills into better habits:

  1. Be Present: Focus on the person in front of you. Set aside distractions and make a conscious effort to engage.
  2. Practice Active Listening: Use eye contact, nod, and ask questions—not just to show you’re listening, but to deepen your understanding.
  3. Reflect Back: Paraphrase what you hear to ensure clarity. It shows you’re engaged and helps prevent misunderstandings.
  4. Develop Self-Awareness: Notice when your mind starts to wander and gently bring your focus back to the conversation.

The Bottom Line: You Already Have What It Takes

The key takeaway is this: You already know how to listen well; you just need to do it more often and more intentionally. In those moments when you’ve been truly present, you’ve already demonstrated your ability to be a great listener. The opportunity now is to bring that level of attentiveness to more of your interactions.

So, as we continue this series on listening, remember that improvement is within your reach—not by learning something new, but by applying what you already know more consistently. With the right habits, you can transform your listening skills from occasional to exceptional.

You know how to listen well. You’ve done it in important moments. Your opportunity is to consciously do it more often. And as you start making these changes, you'll not only become a better listener but also build stronger connections with those around you.

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Kevin Eikenberry is a recognized world expert on leadership development and learning and is the Chief Potential Officer of The Kevin Eikenberry Group. He has spent over 30 years helping organizations across North America, and leaders from around the world, on leadership, learning, teams and teamwork, communication and more.

Twice he has been named by Inc.com as one of the Top 100 Leadership and Management Experts in the World and 100 Great Leadership Speakers for Your Next Conference. The American Management Association named him a “Leaders to Watch” and he has been twice named as one of the World's Top 30 Leadership Professionals by Global Gurus. Top Sales World has named him a Top Sales & Marketing Influencer several times, and his blog has been named on many “best of” lists. LeadersHum has named him one of the 200 Biggest Voices in Leadership in 2023.

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